Adaptation, Acceptance, Adaptation.

“The survival of the fittest is the ageless law of nature, but the fittest are rarely the strong. The fittest are those endowed with the qualifications for adaptation, the ability to accept the inevitable and conform to the unavoidable, to harmonize with existing or changing conditions.”
~Unknown

Every so often I look at this blog and ask myself if it’s fulfilling its purpose? Then I ask, what was the purpose? The idea behind these writings have changed so much over the years that I actually can’t see what that purpose is. Now I am very clear as to what I write about but what I wasn’t clear on was what I was gaining from it.

A few months ago I received my annual Time Capsule email. I wasn’t happy with what I got this time. Usually I can laugh at how silly my problems were the year before and I can be proud of what accomplishments I have made since then as well. But this year was different. Although my list of accomplishments had grown I felt I didn’t have much to show for it. Worst of all – my problems were still pretty much the same. Although the year was a great one – I don’t think I got out of it everything I was supposed to. I didn’t write another email to be sent to me in a years time – I didn’t know what to say or what to ask of my future self. There is a 5 year capsule waiting for me in 2013 (written in 2008), I’m about to shit a brick in fear that I will not be happy with that one either.

I’ve recently been reading back on all of my old entries (as I battle this depression that is taking hold of me) and I’ve noticed a pattern. (I’m all about life patterns). I complain that things are hard and they are hard because I haven’t learnt my lesson. I know my lesson is to create my own projects and stop focusing on just doing projects (film) for the sake of a pay check. I have yet to finish a project of my own since I first began this nomadic downward spiral but yet I am a firm believer that everything that happens, happens for a reason and I am where I need to be at this given time. What a mind fuck.
I need to finish my own work. Yes. I could care less about any of the projects I’ve tried to get off the ground over the last few years (with the exception of 1) and have discovered that without a personal connection to something – there is just no point doing it. I look up to several of my friends who find a way of focusing their efforts into their personal (and brilliant) projects while still living their lives and finding some sort of happy harmony. **A personal shout out to Cody, Kathryn & Linda amongst others**

What is the purpose of this post? Oh yes… adaptation. I have adapted to all of my (and ever changing) surroundings over the last few years with the sole purpose of survival. Yes I have survived, I am alive, clothed, fed, housed and all that jazz. I even get to live a little every now and then. And I have changed my goals and dreams to also suit my current situation… what a fucking mistake. Why should anyone adapt their dreams to suit their current situation? Yes our dreams change and grow as we change and grow but our situations should be adapted to favour our dreams – not the other way around.

My battle with the UK Government over my immigration status is still ongoing but I welcome it. Regardless of the outcome I will have to adapt again and maybe this time I can finally learn my lesson and focus on what really matters to me – finding a balance to keep the pay check coming in while not giving up on what I’ve set out to do.

I’ve adapted, now I need to accept my own mistakes and adapt the world to suit my dreams.

Time Capsule emails provided by futureme.org